You're never around when I need you!

November 19th, 2008 was a brisk night in Valencia, California. It had been a good day for a hike. In fact, it was such a good day for a hike that I had skipped Ancient Greek History class, missed a discussion on my beloved Alexander the Great, and gone to Vasquez Rocks with my friend TJ. It sounds like a normal evening, and it was for everyone in the world except for me. It was bizarre for me. It was bizarre because I couldn't find her.

My friend TJ had told his roommate that he liked me, but he was too afraid to ask me out. His roommate told him that I liked him too, and that he had nothing to worry about. So, on the evening of November 18th, he called me and asked if I would study with him in the lounge of my dorm. Of course I would! And there I sat with him, studying Minoan temple structure as he studied organic chemistry. The only thing that would make the night better was when my roommate got back from night class and saw us in the lounge. She would be delighted. I couldn't wait for her to see me! In time, she did, and when TJ left for the night, we stayed up late with another friend discussing his invitation for me to go hiking with him. And discussing the fact that I had turned it down. 

"I have class at 2:00! You, of all people, know how I feel about skipping class!" "Umm...SO WHAT?! Go with him!"

So, the next morning when I saw him at 9:00, I told him that I had changed my mind and that I would be taking him up on his offer to go hiking. For the next five hours, I had butterflies in my stomach, but it was OK, because my roommate was there to calm them down.

I went up to our room after lunch, changed into a pink tank-top, green cargo pants and hiking boots, and made my way toward the parking lot when TJ would be picking me up. I begged my roommate to walk downstairs with me, which she refused to do. "You're a big girl. You need to meet him on your own!" Still, I clung to her until she left me halfway down the stairs.

As I got into his car, I looked up to the third floor window where she was waving enthusiastically at me. I didn't know that she already knew what was coming.

That day, TJ asked me out. We talked, laughed, hiked, scrambled, ate In-N-Out, and held hands. Then he took me back to my dorm. As soon as he was out of sight, I bolted upstairs to tell my roommate the news. But she wasn't there.

Wait....

What?!?!?! Where else would she be?! We were inseparable! She should be waiting for me to come back! I ran to the bathroom and checked for her shoes under the stalls. I ran down the halls calling for her. I went to our friend's dorm, but no one was in her room. I called her cell phone, but there was no answer. I began to worry, hoping she was OK. After all, if I couldn't find her, something had to be terribly wrong! I ran out to search main campus. I frantically searched the library. I ran toward the student center. There she was. Sitting on the patio alone. It probably only took me ten or fifteen minutes to find her, but it seemed like years. Laughing, I tossed over one of the patio chairs. "MARIE!!!! YOU'RE NEVER AROUND WHEN I NEED YOU!!!!" "I've just been right here. I was waiting for you to get back."

We spent the chilly evening of November 19th on the baseball field, our favorite nighttime hangout on campus. We reclined on the squishy fake grass, staring up at the few stars that the Los Angeles city lights allowed us to see. We talked and laughed, and called other friends to come down to the field and join us in my celebration.

The truth is, she was ALWAYS there when I needed her. She was there when TJ was a lousy boyfriend and forgot about me, leaving me behind as he left on a trip that I was supposed to go with him on. She was on Skype to keep me company when I went home with him for spring break, during which, he ignored me. She was there when he finally broke up with me. She was there when I retreated to my room for the remaining three weeks of college. She was there when I emerged from our room for our year-end black and white party. She was there when I graduated. She was there to lock herself in our room with me and get drunk after graduation. She was there when I was living in San Diego, finishing my teaching degree, and contemplating whether or not God still loved me because I was gay. She was there when I was homeless, searching for a job in Los Angeles County. She was there when I moved to Tucson. She was there for the grand opening of the store I worked at. She was there when I got a promotion. She was there when I came home from late-night work projects.

She was there when I cried on her hospital bed, telling her, "I just want to go home!"

But now I need her more than ever.

Now that I understand the term "heartache" because my heart physically aches. Now that the blood drains from my face when I think of her. Now that I desperately need a hug. Now that I desperately need a kiss. Now that I cannot eat. Now that I cannot sleep. Now that I have no passion for cooking, hiking, or sketching. Now that I cannot get out of bed.

And she's not here.

She's not around when I need her.

{Marie, I only hope that the reason you're not here now is so that you can be waiting for me when I get Home for good. I hope that I don't have to search for you. I hope that you hold me as I sob into your chest telling you how much I missed you. I hope that you smile and tell me that you're proud of me, and that you didn't want me to commit suicide after all...

I just hope you're there at the door as excited to see me as I am to see you.}